(no subject)

[e_delmar]

Ennis screams.

He screams and throws things and punches people.






Only he don't do any of that, does he? He can't.

Comments

[silver_flecks]

"ReAlLy?" And there's something young in her eyes and delighted as she beams over at him.

"I'Ll TeLl YoU aNoTHer, ThEn!"

And she does. She tells him stories, as she sits by him, and the fog moves through, and if he can't remember them later except in fleeting moments it's really maybe for the best.

They're all true stories, except for the lies.

Time passes, and she's sitting with him on the bed as her dark hair

(it was red)

falls aroudn her shoulders and she finishes the last story.

The room doesn't smell quite so sour anymore. It's something fresh now, something like fresh grass and the sea and the mountains all at once, and if there's a scent for being where you have to be and it being okay--even if that place is here, even if that place is your deathbed--maybe that's the other part of the scent in the room, too, as she murmurs, "The end," and looks over at him.

"Except it never really is. That's one of the secrets I like to tell. Some I'm not supposed to just share, but. That one's okay."

[e_delmar]

"Learned that much here."

Or maybe he means Milliways or maybe it don't matter much what he really means. And if it's easier, now, with her sittin' there -- if it's easier for him to talk, to breathe, well, maybe he don't notice so much.

[silver_flecks]

"Then you're ahead of most Creation, Ennis del Mar," she smiles at him. "Bet you never thought you'd hear that one."

She doesn't take him away, because this is where he is and should be, but she puts a cool hand to his forehead for a moment and it's nothing but a cool hand to the forehead.

But maybe that's kinda all it needs to be, and then her hand's pulled away.

"Still mad?"

[e_delmar]

He nods and he shrugs and he shakes his head no and he'd say something but this is a fuckin' dream and your dreams know what's in your head.



Right?

[silver_flecks]

Sometimes.

"Desire's good at that."

There are things she could do. A lot. But could isn't would and isn't will, and she won't, because that's what it's about, in the end. This is what it's about. Not waiting for the Sister, but the moments where even if you are waiting for the Sister--or a bus--or for the cake to be finished baking--whatever it is, it's about the moments where mad or sad or filled with glee, you know it's okay.

However you are, it's okay.

It's just the way it was meant to be, because it's what you chose.

"Can I tell you another secret, Ennis?" she asks, and what had been silver flecks have taken over her eyes til they're just wide and shining and almost like mirrors where it's easier to see yourself--the good and the bad and all that is you in them--than anything else.

[e_delmar]

Ennis looks and maybe he sees himself there and maybe it's like drowning.

[silver_flecks]

The beauty of it, though, is that you don't lack for breath, drowning or not. And whatever he's drowning in, it's not really her. Because she can't take him in. That's not how she is. Not like this.

He has to take her in, like this, you see.

So it's like drowning, but she's just there, holding his hand.

She leans over and kisses his forehead, soft and gentle, and then says, "The mystics say that the difference between happiness and joy is sorrow. They're kinda right. That's a secret. And it's not a lie."

All she can do is sit at his side and take his hand in hers, and say, "And it's okay. It is. I hurt too. And I understand."

And all of it's promises that don't suck at all.

[e_delmar]

Ennis nods and he thought he knew but he knows. And then there's Jack, and he opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out.

[silver_flecks]

She doesn't say, "Not much longer," cause it's all relative, really.

Instead she sits and the room is cool and comfortable, and you can almost hear someone singing.

"I wish we'd known each other longer, Ennis del Mar. I truly do. But, you know."

And she's always Del, so she looks over at him and her smile's a little secret.

"You know. Like what I said. Remember?"

"And my hand's here as long as you want to hold it."

[e_delmar]

"I remember."

And he remembers her hand and her wish and her promise, and he remembers her sibling, sitting there at the food of his bed, tellingpromisingthreatening and he struggles against the pull of sleep.

[silver_flecks]

"Shhhh."

There's limits. There're rules. It's all in the playbook.

But the thing is, you can't put all of life in the book. She thinks. She thinks that's the secret she knows, that there are things you can't write down and can't be understood except by experiencing, and she thinks a lot of things and smooths his hair, gently.

"I'll offer him a hand, too. I can do that. I can't--Desire is a bitch, y'see? Always has been, always will be. World without end amen, as they say. But I can offer Jack a hand. I'll do that, if you want."

It's more than a lot get. Death waits for everyone, and you can't escape her. She's not like Death. It's entirely possible to avoid her, if you want to, and she's the kind you find half by accident and half by seeking out and half because you're blessed.

Too many halves, she thinks, and starts to fracture again, and makes herself not.

"...And I'll steal Desire's cigarettes."

[e_delmar]

And maybe that makes him feel better, maybe he'd laugh if he could. Maybe it's that he's half asleep, or maybe it don't matter none 'cause maybe he's already asleep and this is all a dream anyway.



And in the end, none of it matters anyway, 'cause in the end, it's all sleep.

[silver_flecks]

Not quite, Ennis.

But you can think that if you want.

And when he does sleep, maybe no one else can see her sitting next to his bed--or maybe there's one girl around who could, if she looked close--but there's a damp cloth on his forehead that wasn't earlier, and the room still smells like grass and cool air from the mountains.

For a little while, anyway.